When I started blogging I didn't know what I was getting into.
My friend Bethany told me that I should start a blog because it would force me to write consistently and publish immediately. (As opposed to the elusive longer, larger project where imaginary deadlines are never met and the final product is only in your head. What's up, everything I've ever done but this blog.)
And it did. I loved having a blog. Then, as any blogger can testify, the blog takes over your life. You become compelled to post, comment on fifty other blogs everyday, make blog friends and talk about your blog in your real life so you can annoy and alienate all your non-blogger friends. It feels important and special.
And then the malaise sets in.
I've blamed Twitter. I've blamed having nothing to talk about, but yesterday I saw this post on one of my favorite blogs and I realized this was actually what was going on:
I hate this blog.
(Of course she always says it better.)
I didn't realize I hated it, because deep down I didn't want to. I put in a lot of work and, in many ways, I'm proud of it. But I am hating this shit for real, yo, and no longer afraid to say it.
I am tired of roasting my life. I am tired of constant daily blog networking. I am tired of feeling like I should post or no one will read this anymore. I am tired of my blog persona making me feel like who I really am. And I am beyond tired of my mom calling me and telling me this blog makes her feel like she has no idea who I am.
I am filming an episode for a Reality Show this weekend. I've made it clear once or one hundred times here that I love me a show where someone gets eliminated at the end of it, so as you can imagine, I'm gleeful. It's kind of a makeover show, and while I don't need a makeover, I want one. BADLY.
I recently moved, I'm ready to begin a new phase of my career, three of my most reliable and fun friends are no longer day players (one got a serious boyfriend overnight and two disappointed and hurt me very much, together), and most of all I want a visual representation of the new person I am trying to become.
Hopefully after Saturday I can (and will want to) show photographic evidence of this new me. In my head, she is very hot.
I'm not bold enough to delete this entire blog, (in the same way I've always been too chicken to torch genuinely torchable journals), but I have needed a break to figure out why I feel so resentful of it, like a friend that is no longer relevant to my life, someone whose conversations irritate me because I am forced to speak from a place that's not me anymore.
I don't want to feel this way about this blog, and I've been avoiding it because I haven't been brave enough to say it. Not only do I need to feel fresh and clean once again about this blog, but also my life.
So cross your fingers and hope that Saturday does the trick. As a girl, sadly, it probably will.
(Also, embarrassingly, the title of this post is not the first time I've quoted Jerry Maguire in the past twenty-four hours.)
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15 comments:
If you stop text messaging me I will light. some. shit. on. fire. I will riot in the streets and smash plates. I don't know, smashing plates sounded like a good idea in my head just now. And I feel you on blog burnout, but I love this little ole blog. future's so bright, gotta wear shades. this is how I feel about you. Is this comment making me sound very "single white female"? Oops. Just know that i care and so does Kanye Fur and I would like to buy you a drink or twenty seven right now and talk about these things but YOU'RE TOO FUCKING FAR. Okay I am going to stop this and just text you. This is getting weird.
Breaks are always good, yes?
I do get tired of explaining to everyone in my life that a blog is...kind of like a reality show, but one in which I am in charge of all of the editing and I never get eliminated, so I can make myself seem any way I want and it all may change daily but that's okay and that not everything I say is necessarily 100% true because sometimes I embellish in order to make boring things more entertaining as being entertaining is the actual goal and not everything in my life is always entertaining, when all I really want to say is, "Get a blog. Then you'll understand." Except they wouldn't...
You actually said this way better than I did. This is exactly how I feel. Good luck on the makeover show, darling! I can't imagine you getting any more beautiful.
Dammit, I feel the same way you do in that whoe ninth paragraph (I think. Me no count good). I'm tired of commenting everywhere. So true that homes. BUT if I didn't have my blog I wouldn't know you and BWP, you...complete...me.
Its like you and me, we come from different worlds, you like to laugh at me when I look at other girls.
Hootie always knew the right thing to say.
Clovesky, I love this blog. And I love you. But I'd love you, blog or not, even though I'd be a little sad to be void of your bloggy antics.
What I'm saying is this-- let's get Mexican food.
Maybe (hopefully) it's just a phase.
*swings hypnosis pendulum*
Why do blogs always die on me when I visit them for the first time? I must be a blog-vulture. Miss Clover, I like both your name and your profile picture.
Everyone says they hate their blog, and then a week later, they're posting twice a day.
I can't wait to see the pictures.
Also, I hate my blog. Maybe we should all switch blogs for a week. Like a bloggy round robin.
Since we're quoting Jerry Maguire, my favourites:
Dicky Fox: If this
[points to heart]
Dicky Fox: is empty, this
[points to head]
Dicky Fox: doesn't matter.
But I got to end with this: That's more than a dress. That's an Audrey Hepburn movie.
And that's you, Holly Golightly. In a nutshell. And that's why I've loved this blog.
Clearly I have the same blog ennui. Bleggui. Blogggui. #furblenuii
Anyway, I HEAR YOU GINA.
I'm excited about this reality show. Do you, perchance, get to marry a millionaire at the end?
It's official: we are joined at the mind.
more on Jerry Maguire (do you remember my friend Joel?)
I hope you come back feeling rejuvenated but in the end, you gotta do you. I'll miss ya if we don't see you in these parts anymore. xo
I think everyone hates their blog at one time or another.
Hey, it's your blog. Screw others! Don't feel pressured to write for your followers, write for yourself. I can write 5 posts a day or one post a week. You're only accountable to yourself :) Good luck.
Nino
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