Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans/ Boots with the fur/The whole club was lookin' at herrrr

Hi, guys.

I am bowled over. I had no idea anyone would even notice the Apple Bottom Jeans reference in the last post. I mean, I spend the greater part of my days thinking about their applicious glory, but I certainly didn't think anyone would notice the throwaway comment within a comment. BUT YOU DID.

And this is good news, because now I feel like you will love me and accept me for who I am, and it's okay to confide things in you, internet friends.

Which is why I am going to confide this:

I don't know if the ATL made me this way or if GOD did, but yer ol' pal Clover here is, well, kind of a wigger.

Not a wigger like Jamie Kennedy in "Malibu's Most Wanted Way", but more like Michael Bolton in "Office Space" kind of way.

I'm a nerdy white girl who grew up in the ATL, and it feels natural that I should want to wear Apple Bottom Jeans and have black men call me shawty. I especially like it when they tell me I don't dance like a white girl. This is normal, right? Right?? Well I witnessed Juneteenth celebrations growing up, so maybe I just was normalized differently.

Anyway, back to Apple Bottoms Jeans and NELLY, the magnanimous creator of Apple Bottom Jeans. I don't know how Nelly got to be so durn adorables, but I have loved him ever since Country Grammar came out, and then he had that cute little band-aid on his face, and then he told me to take off all my clothes because it was getting hot in herre, and then he was positively charming as the fast-running inmate in the remake of "The Longest Yard" (That movie was all kindsa funny so shut up.), and basically, I would wear anything if Nelly told me I was going to look fly.

I mean, wouldn't you?



So back in 2006 (after one too many viewings of "You Got Served"), my former roommate Kristen and I decided to venture out to the Fox Hills mall. (The Fox Hills mall gets a reference in the "film", in case you haven't seen Omarion do his thang approximately five to seven times.) And the Fox Hills mall quickly became my most favorite mall in all of LA, mostly because it felt like being at Lenox Mall on a Saturday (before it decided to get all fancy because it's in "Buckhead"). It felt like home. Plus they have an Orange Julius there. If you haven't experienced the deliciousness of an Orange Julius, then I just feel bad for you.

Anyway, after collecting hot threads at stores with names like "LVL X" and "Silhouette", I went to Macy's where they have a blissfully large selection of all sorts of Apple Bottom gear. And it was there that I purchased my first pair of Apple Bottom Jeans, which looked and felt like a dream, plus, magically, on the inside of the front zipper, as you unzip it, stitched underneath is a very special inscription: "Sweet to the core."

Yes, that's right. Best. Jeans. Ever. What other jeans have "Sweet to the core" inscribed above your special place, ladies, huh? Huh, all you Rock & Republic, Seven for All Mankind wearers?? What special message do those jeans have for YOU? That's right. Nothin'.

But after two and a half years, I was down to this. They were falling off me, the belt loop was busted, and they had turned almost white. These jeans were purchased in the shade of DARK BLUE. And yet, up until the purchase, because dignity is not something I deeply care about, I was busting these EVERY SINGLE DAY. People were starting to comment that I was looking a little less fly and a little more low rent. Whatever, baller on a budget, I say.



But finally I relented. I loved those jeans so much, but I had to throw them in the trash. Without that kind of bold move, I knew I would stall, holding onto the old. If we finally parted ways, that would ensure I get a new pair on the double. Not a day would pass without an apple on my ass.

And an apple I got. Nobody can take their eyes of my apple bottoms now. These, my friends, are the brand new Goddess Boot Cut edition:



My only complaint is that, last week, I finally noticed that my special message doesn't say "Sweet to the core", it just says "Delicious". I mean, it's still more magical than whatever you're wearing, but kind of a let down after all that talk about the sweetness of my core.

But I would still trade it to have a shiny gold apple on my ass.