The Amazing Disgrace

Back in January my friend Carrie sent me an email with the subject "Your Former Boyfriend" and this story in the email:



Mike White On The Amazing Race!

He's written such comedy classics as School of Rock and Nacho Libre (and starred in Chuck & Buck), but how will that help actor-screenwriter Mike White on the Amazing Race?

Especially when he's teamed up with his father, gay rights activist Mel White, who at 68 is the season's oldest competitor!

Little White claims that neither the generation gap nor the competition's frantic pace caused much strife between he and Big White, saying, "We got along like a Hallmark card."

"So, is Mike White your former boyfriend, Clover?", I hear you all asking.

Um, NO, actually. No he is not my former boyfriend. But he should have been. He was going to be. If he hadn't turned out to be GAY.

Which no one told me before I flagrantly hit on him one fateful day. Thanks, everyone. (His wikipedia page says he's "openly bisexual", but whatever. We all know what means.)

But before I was aware of this knowledge, and before Carrie was, too, we both convinced ourselves that Whitey and I would make the most adorable writer nerd couple in the history of all adorable writer nerd couples.

This was right after Ex and I had just broken up (soooo...summer 2006-ish) and we were on a mission to upgrade quickly. (FACT: This is how girls think, boys. When we break up we want you replaced all Beyoncé "You must not know 'bout me" Knowles-style STAT. We want you to call us up and be all, "I can find another you in a minute. Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute.")

At that moment Carrie and I were in a major City Bakery phase, which is conveniently located at the Brentwood Country Mart, a place where peoples marvelously more successful than myself lunch, shop and flaunt their glamorousness.

One afternoon we were sitting there talking about Carrie's fantastic show (which should be coming to a Premium Cable Channel near you sometime this decade), and she was all, "OMG. Mike White is behind you." I knew who he was, but had never seen him before, so I turned around to see this blue-eyed, sweet-faced individual eating and listening to his iPod all by himself, looking like he'd just come in from a jog. Aw! He seemed like the opposite of Ex. Uncharming, unsocial, and blonde. I was thrilled.

I was on a Brentwood Country Mart roll, and after that first sighting, it seemed that every time I came in, Whitey was there. Usually having business-looking lunch dates with industry-looking men. I logically deduced he was single and, of course, very heterosexual.

And finally I decided, we'd seen each other plenty of times, surely it was time to seize the moment and act on what we were surely BOTH feeling, but the impressive result was simply making an obviously shy person extremely uncomfortable. Typical.

It was a while ago, but it went something like this:

Clover: Um, hi.
Whitey: Hi.
Clover: Soooo...I've seen you here before.
Whitey: (Blank stare)
Clover: Um, so I just like your stuff.
Whitey: Cool.
Clover: Yeah. Cool.

Aaaaand scene.

I wanted to stab myself in the face. I might have stood there awkwardly for a moment or two, realizing that he would not try and say something droll and clever for us to spontaneously burst into cheeky and flirty repartee thereafter.

For the record, Clover DOES NOT go up to people and tell them that she is a "fan" of their "stuff". How did those words come a-tumblin' out of my mouth? This incident has become a source of much merriment for Carrie and me over the years. Especially since she and Whitey started to cross paths with some regularity at writerly parties and she is all, "Dude. Clover. He is not so much all over the ladies."

I can accept this and I feel mildly better knowing that if he were the Bret Michaels of comedic screenwriting it would have gone down differently, but then who can forget how I cow-eyed my way into nothing with Steve Coogan several months later? If you are professionally funny, I will not care if you seem interested in me.

If you are a comedy nerd with a cult following and HIGHLY DEBATABLE SEXUAL APPEAL, I will most likely throw myself at you. (Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, I cannot WAIT for our run-in.)

Anyway, I went to The City Bakery this morning because I was having a craving for their pretzel croissant, the most expensive croissant in the world, and it got me to thinking about the day my dreams of Writer Nerd Dream Couple were dashed forever and also about The Amazing Race. I haven't been watching The Amazing Race, which is shocking because I will watch anything, but I don't want to rub gay salt in my straight girl wounds. But if anyone is, how is it? Are he and his gay dad kicking ass? I hope so. I don't want to go down as hitting on a loser.

I am also including this special picture of Mike White with Jonah Hill.



Last week I was driving in Hollywood and across the intersection from me at a red light there was a fat middle-aged woman, and for at least ten seconds I thought it was Jonah Hill. Don't judge. It's confusing to see fat people in Hollywood.