Flames on the side of my face/ Thinking of You

Saturday morning I woke up and set out to respond to an email I'd been avoiding all week, and to keep me company I decided to hang out with my best friend in the whole wide world, television. Since Sober House is only once a week and not actually a live feed I can watch at all times, I had to settle for the Top 20 music video countdown on Vh1. Now ol' Clover doesn't make it a habit of watching music videos, but Saturday she decided it was high time to keep up with the young people, because the young people are our future, everyone. It's important to keep tabs on them.

And I regret to announce that the young people are watching Katy Perry videos. I know, I know. The bearer of bad news and all that. Obviously, I'm not one to talk shit, but I have to say...I freaking hate Katy Perry. I don't like her shouty voice. I don't like her fake bisexuality. I don't like her pseudo-Lolita posturing. NO KATY PERRY. GO AWAY. And okay there are many many things that make me get all Mrs. White, but Katy Perry especially makes me get all Mrs. White.

Witness! Yay!




(And btw, is Clue the most fantasticalest movie of all time or is Clue the most fantasticalest movie of all time?)

Getting back to the topic at hand though, I watched this video mesmerized by its shittiness and confusingness. And I'm completely ignoring the actual song shittiness, which is there in spades. I just mean the epic love story narrative shittiness. This hackneyed war story has been done and redone in at least twelve hundred movies and music videos. (It was obviously never done better than in that modern classic "A League of their Own", mostly because of Lori Petty, Tom Hanks as the lovable wiseacre, and that whole girls in skirts playing baseball thing. But whatevs, Perry. Have at it.)

So today I am taking my highly refined recapping skills and bringing my interpretation it to you. I promise it will be better, shorter and quieter than than Katy Perry caterwauling and looking sad beneath a pile of false eyelashes, but here is the offending work if you must watch.



"Thinking of You": A photo essay

Rmember that time Katy Perry kissed a girl and totally liked it? Well, you know, she also loves God, too. And in a totally austere and Calvinistic way, Red State people. So buy her album. Kthx.

Katy Perry also eff soldiers. No word on if they also taste like cherry chapstick.

(More like, I kissed GOD and I liked it. LOL!! xoxo, KP)

(That's right, bitches! God AND soldiers. So are you totally over that time I had a pillow fight with a girl and said I was half-dyke and that it felt so right? Awesome. Me, too. Buy this shit now. xoxo, KP)

Enter Dude Two. This dude looks like the dude in the photo, but he's obviously not the One True Love, because he is unshaven and wears a wifebeater and may or may not have moobs, the telltale signs of a LOSER DUDE. Bet he's gonna be totally cool about the whole Soul-Mate's-picture-on-the-mirror thing though.

At this point, gentle readers, I became very convinced that my friend Ryan Rickett was now in the video. And therefore both dudes began to look like Rickett, but not really, but sort of, and then they all stopped looking like anyone entirely, and I couldn't keep up anymore, and I don't think I have any idea what actual Rickett looks like anymore. Good Rickett, Bad Rickett, Shaved Rickett, Facial Hair Rickett, Hotter Rickett, Less Hot Rickett. It was a lot for poor Clover. And then because Soldier Dude and Civilian Dude looked so similar I was no longer able to tell between real time and flashback time. IS IT THAT HARD TO CAST TWO GUYS THAT LOOK DIFFERENT, MUSIC VIDEO CASTING DIRECTORS??

At this point, however, I have shamefully pored over this video and can give you a frame-by-frame play-by-play blindfolded with the sound off, but when it was all flying by my face at this initial viewing, I was just overwhelmed with the quasi-Rickett proxies. That is the spirit I have tried to capture, so please feel free to be confused as well.

Dressed-up-but-still-loser-dude Rickett.

Wifebeater Rickett. Same as dressed-up-with-glasses Rickett.

Obligatory pretty lighting shot because this director is an AUTEUR.

Shaved Rickett=Good Rickett=Flashback Rickett.

OMGKATYPERRY+THE40'S=BFFS4EVER!!!

KIDS: Rough sex is bad no matter how hot it looks. When a man and a woman truly love one another, they only MAKE LOVE. The angels and seraphim descend from the heavens and fly around the room and sing and weep at the sight of your lovemaking. REPEAT: This is NOT hot.

(Hey guys, I used to dance and be happy, but now I'm too busy getting raped by my new boyfriend. Kthx for listening. xoxo, KP)

Please note: It pays to be a date raper, because then, inexplicably, you don't have to go to war with other able-bodied men, where, unfortunately, there is no color.

Is Bad Rickett gonna have to choke a bitch?

Oh, wait. Her true love was Mac Dude Rickett?

Mac Dude Rickett gets one tear only because it takes like four hours to shalaque this whore make up on.

Wait. Now the Western Union telegram comes? So was she crying before because of the whole date rape thing? What a baby.

I will respond to that question with a constipation impression.

Um, okay. Bye.

Please send all music video recap requests to whydomusicvideoshavetosucksobad??@gmail.com