Dating with Clover!

Welcome to a very personal blog! One in which you get to learn more ways in which I am awesome and fun to be around!

Okay, so here is something you should all know about me. I have trouble being a real person. Not like I don't bleed or get hangovers, I'm totally with you there, but I have trouble interacting with people, like a genuine, normal human being. Specifically when it comes to dating.

I somehow wound up hardwired to want to dazzle and enchant you with my wit, cheek, and ability to get even the most obscure pop culture references. I just can't seem to not be in this mode. Moxy used to always beg me, "Just be less witty. Just be softer and nicer." Even when I want to, I...just....can't.

Now this schtick works on some level. Boys like me and I like them. But suffice it to say that I cycle through a lot of guys, mostly because they want to like me and I just want them to be charmed by me. So what? I lead a meaningful and fulfilling life. Mostly because I watch a lot of TV, but whatevs.

So when Strauss (my oft-mentioned favorite pick up artist) got a very good feeling that he should set me up with a friend of his, a guitarist in a well known indie rock band (Well, at least well-known if you are into indie rock music or from their home country, where I hear they are as big as U2 and leprechauns), I was excited. I love charming men in hipster rock bands! This is what I excel at. But then there was talk of him being really really sweet and sometimes "sweet" guys do not do well with me. It's not like I like assholes. I just need my men to be banter-y. I just really really do and "sweet" guys often seem to just want to "connect". And whoa, nelly. Clover does not like connecting.

Although really, it just comes down to this: If we do not share the same sense of humor, we will probably not be that close. I just still think things should be funny and glib after a year of dating. Just ask Ex who still insists he has never been "deeply connected to my humanity." Go, Clover!

So it all went down Saturday night at a pointlessly overpriced steakhouse in Beverly Hills. A group of us gathered together for dinner, and Irish Rocker and I were put next to each other to let the sparks fly. HA.

It went something like this:
Clover: So...do you drive when you're in LA?
Rocker: Um, yes. We do have cars in Ireland.
(Okay, not my point. Many people don't drive when they're visiting LA, especially people in bands from Europe. I mean, maybe he doesn't have an international license. And for the record, there was no mirth in his voice when he delivered this. But ol' Clover decided to persist with the jokes!)
Clover: Well, yeah. I mean, I know you have cars. But do you have the internet? There's this thing that's all the rage with the kids. It's called email.
Rocker: I have a blackberry.

Awkward silence. It went on like this for at least an hour.

So, I whip out my own blackberry and just start texting Strauss.

Clover: Okay, so I don't think what's his tits likes me. At all. My attempts at humor seem like SO AWKWARD. I am sucking, Strauss.
Strauss: Treat him like the goat, and everything will magically work out.
Strauss: Maybe feed him some him some edamame out of your hand.

I should point out at this juncture that Strauss just got a goat, one we were feeding edamame before heading to Mastro's. And his whole point (echoing Moxy) was that I should just be gentle and sweet, instead of cheeky and glib and typically, completely inaccessible.

So with that in mind I decided to toss out some barbs about Steven Adler and Celebrity Rehab, both of which were met with extreme distaste. But so was the mention of karaoke, arguably a fun, wholesome time, so what gives with this dude?

I mean, who does this individual think he is, so superior to reality television and drunken public singing? Does he think he is above Bret Michaels and/or the Japanese??

So before you think I am completely unacceptable for human interaction, I would like to add that the other females that interacted with him over the evening also thought he had the personality of a wet rag. Actually, the other ladies there, who I'd just met for the first time, found me to be positively delightful. While the men that interacted with him found him affable and interesting. This makes me think that perhaps this individual is just painfully shy around women (something Strauss agreed with), and it wasn't necessarily my general suckiness at knowing how to relate to people that made this an awkward experience for everyone.

But what I will point out is that clearly if you are shy and you are meeting me for the first time, I will do nothing but make you feel more uncomfortable. YAY.

I ended the night resignedly texting Mark Rivers about the unsuccessful dating attempt. Dashing, talented Mark Rivers, who thinks I am just a glorious stitch, but has yet to allow me to wreak havoc upon any of his own hot, nerd friends.

Clover: Oh, Rivers. Strauss set me up with the guitarist from [redacted]. Ha. Ha. Set up: FAIL. You would have LOLed, Rivers. Clover charm lost upon Irish rockers. Holy god. My humor was not well received. What you find adorable, guitarists from [redacted] find retarded.
Rivers: Ugh! The Irish. Worse than the sexless Jews. [a jab at the other boy in a hip indie rock band I attempted to date last year] What a waste of a Bettie Page 'do.
Clover: WORD. When Clover can't get dudes in hipster bands, the end is nigh. I'm thinking this also means Bono is now out of the question.