Boozing with Clover!

Welcome to our next installment of why I am awesome and totally fun to be around!

Backstory: Wednesday was a Bad Day. I was going to pursue something I really really wanted and then at the last minute I choked hard. I sat in my car instead of going to the thing I wanted to pursue and drove circles around Little Tokyo crying that I was a self-saboteur and that I would never be successful. To make myself feel better, I called Ex and told him that he didn't care about me and was a shitty friend. (This is after last week when he loaned me cash because of the whole raped checking account thing, took me out to several lunches and let me cry on his shoulder a lot about how God doesn't want me to ever be rich.) Being a girl is hard. Sometimes the crazy gene just pops out and there's nothing we can do to stop it.

So looking to be cheered up I sent a sad sack email to Mark Rivers, who always makes life better.

Aw, dude, that happens to everybody. Seriously. The paradox of fucking up the thing you want because you want it so much that it freaks you out. You're mortal, Clover, hate to break it to you. What the hell was it, anyway?
Don't be sad. Move on. That's what you have to do in this town. And by this town I mean Eagle Rock. As for Hollywood I recommend giving up and getting drunk.

Don't worry, you'll always be a successfully hot ding dong to me.

love,
Rivers

And, people, that email was like a wake up call. Get drunk! That is exactly what I should do. And Wednesday night was when I realized that none of my problems are too big for the alcohol. Yes, they can all be solved by booze. Mostly because the next day you will want to kill yourself, but this is helpful because you have transferred all that attention away from that original problem and can solely focus on making it through the day alive. I haven't been worried about that whole self-sabotage thing since!

And Wednesday night was a grand time. I met lots of new, nice people and was generally reaffirmed that life is a happy place that was made to be enjoyed! Now in some ways I don't understand how I was able to consume so much beer and meet so many people because I was texting NON STOP. Boozing makes me a regular multi-tasker.

It started with Rivers. Now this is only a snippet of the conversation because it would take a large portion of the day going through all our material. But here is a sample of how awesome it is to text me when I am out in the world judging people by their physical appearance (learned: way less judgmental than when I am sober!).

(Also, I should add that back over the holidays when I was flying back to LA from Altanta, for the first time EVER, i was sitting next to someone I wanted to talk to, a cute guy, of course! But seriously when does this happen?? I get crying babies and not much else. Anyway, he bought me a bloody mary on that plane ride, so clearly it was the start of a beautiful friendship. He is in a band, and also hosts bands at this place in Hollywood. I decided Wednesday would be the night to check it all out.)

Clover: I found pretty plane boy dude. He is prettier than I remembered. Jesus, Rivers. He's like if Jeff Davis was a blond girl.
Rivers: Ugh. I'm sexually confused by your imagery.
Clover: Okay. Like Wesley from the Princess Bride. But LA. How's that?
Rivers: Ooo, fairytale homo boner. Like maybe your dream guy when you were ten?
Clover: Yes, exactly. So did you ever watch Deadwood? Or that Miranda July movie everyone loved? I'm now hanging out with that guy. John Hawkes, I think? Everyone is so pretty here.
Rivers: Yeah loved the Deadwood. Which Deadwoodian? Gay starfuckerishly, Fagsy
Clover: The one who played the Jew. He's gorgeous.
Rivers: Oh yeah. Saw him at a xmas party and couldn't place him. Thought he was an Aussie rocker or something. The hot blonde girlfriend threw me.
Clover: Not as hot as me, Rivers!!!
Rivers: John Hawkes. And he ain't so gorgeous, Clover. You've just got a pay cable star boner.
Clover: Okay, so not compared to pretty plane boy, but I swear he looks better in person.
Rivers: He looks like Neil Finn or something. They must be enchanted by your constant texting.

Constant texting is not enchanting? And he didn't even know the half of it. I was also simultaneously having a passionate discussion about the suckiness of Gran Torino with Rickett. And since I have passionate texting exchanges with Rickett, oh, never, and I probably haven't even spoken to him in at least a month, let this demonstrate that Clover + Drunken Texting = Equal Opportunity.

Clover: Everywhere I turn, critics and civilians are freaking their shit over Gran Torino. I mean, really?
Rickett: I know, it's so weird. Even my own friends like it. Well, ex friends.
Clover: Whoa. I so can't imagine you with friends that are bout the Torino. I've analyzed the trailer (which is inexplicably on heavy rotation) trying to find the brilliant film and I still don't get it. Partially because they don't include the Asian clown car moment.
Rickett: Even the title of the film is bullshit. It's the equivalent of calling Star Wars "The Millenium Falcon". It was totally incidental to the racist subplot.
Clover. Thank you. This is also a big issue for me, especially because "gran torino" almost sounds like you could be in for a classic Eastwood spaghetti western and you're like, wtf am I doing in Detroit with a golden retriever and some Koreans? Seriously, Rickett. I stare at the billboard in traffic like some bitch with Asperger's trying to make sense of it all. We've been had.
Rickett: That movie validates my atheism.
Clover: I hear you. I personally revisited "Thus spoke Zarathustra" after my viewing. So when can we expect your feature? I've seen some of the shit that's at Sundance this week and it's killing my belief in even dignity.
Rickett: Im trying to raise money right now for my first film called, Gran Totino, about a guy who hates pizza and lives in a neighborhood full of Italian chefs.
Clover: Starring Josh Brolin because Josh Brolin does a great anti-Italian bit. And Marisa Tomei because she's Italian and looks hot for, like, sixty, and Shia Le Beauf because you get an extra two mill if you cast him as the irascible son.

Unfortunately my phone had to die and quit that bitch just when all these conversations were getting so good.

But before it peaced out, I ran into one of the actors from Ex's movie and because of this exciting encounter decided Ex should be included in the passionate texting. It made no reference to consuming alcohol, but was a blur of variations of "I'm here with Luke Griiiiiimes!!!" and future plans for all of us and Loving Life 4evs.

All I got in response was a text around noon yesterday.
Ex: How u feelin

LOL, Ex. L.O.L.

Clover responds:
Why? Did manic texts at 1 am about Luke Grimes and strip clubs give you the impression that I might be turning my liver into Jack Palance's face? To say I'm in a world of hurt would be an understatement. But last night sure was fun!

And, in conclusion, I hope you have gathered that I will pretty much text anyone with vim and vigor when out drinking and would like to extend an invitation to send me your phone number so you can be included in this drollery . Clearly it won't matter where I am and what I am doing because me and my texts are UNSTOPPABLE.

Oh and shortly after Ex's text, I got this from Rivers.
Did you wake up in Deadwood this morning with one of Swearingen's whores between your legs?