Yesterday I had a job interview at a home high up in the hills of Beverly Hills. I arrived ten minutes early, as I do for almost everything, and sat on the couch and tried to decide who I should text while I waited. I didn't get reception and it was physically painful.
It didn't really matter though as there was much to distract me. A tiny dog was incessantly yapping, there was what I assume to be an adult son, a man that spoke with a British accent who I think was a realtor, a Mexican landscaper and some other guys who I think were involved with other home improvements. But I sat quietly on the couch, stared out the door to the pool in the backyard and watched a white pit bull breathing on the window, wagging its tail at me. I like pit bulls and automatically made some high pitched greeting. I couldn't figure out why the tiny dog was allowed in, but not this one, who clearly wanted in in a serious way.
Then my potential boss arrived. I hear her before I see her and what I hear loud and clear is: "I'M GOING TO SUE JESSICA ALBA!" This phrase is repeated several times. She enters into the living room and opens the door. The pit bull bounds over to me and jumps on her couch and licks my face. And that's when I learn that this is Jessica Alba's pit bull that is licking my face. And this dog is NOT welcome. It's a nice dog, but potential boss lady is getting sick of this dog always in her yard.
Apparently Jessica Alba just moved into the house behind her, which is up a serious incline, making it easy for Pit Bull to jump over the fence. And since potential boss lady is fond of leaving the doors open, on more than one occasion Jessica Alba's pit bull has wound up in bed with her. Okay, I get it. But suing?
So I begin following this woman awkwardly around the kitchen and into the backyard, as is everyone else, who is clamoring for her attention. And the next thing you know, she is screaming up the hill to Jessica's Mexican landscapers "Woooorker! Excuse me! Wooorrrrkerrrr! This dog is down here AGAIN!" And homegirl looks crazy. I'm suddenly embarrassed for everyone involved. Mainly her, but I can't really make eye contact with anyone, because I'm not sure what the appropriate emotion to feel is in this instance, I just know what I am feeling I should not express.
And then I realized that this is exactly the type of situation that I find myself in more often than not: random people, random places, opulent wealth, clothes I don't feel quite comfortable in and the vague feeling I should not be there.
So this is my life, y'all. If you change around a few variables each time, and string together incident after incident like this, you will have a good idea of what it feels like to be me. It's actually kinda fun.
I'll let you know if I get the job.
2 comments:
So what you're saying is that if you get the job I can come over while you're working and stare out the window hoping to see Jessica?
I think that's what you're saying.
Waking up next to Jessica Alba is good. Her pit ball, hmm, not so much. Doubts about suing? You must have Canadian ancestry.
But your career does sound kinda fun. How you describe it, it doesn't differ much from corporate life in the telecoms industry, I gotta say.
I thought I was going to live with Andy and Red in Zihuatanejo. But instead I keep having flashbacks, and always end up realising I'm still on the island ...
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