London Wife: The dream job with a green card

Anyone hanging around Camp Sensation these days knows I'm on the hunt for some Gainful Employment. And that search has taken me far and wide. Los Angeles just doesn't seem to contain my dreams and ambitions at the moment. (I realize there is a built-in question there: How could Los Angeles not contain everything you dream of? And to be honest, it does. But while I am still working out critical details of my novel, which will garner an initial three-book deal and then be adapted and turned into a lucrative movie franchise, I'm pretty much freelancer to The World.)

So, I started to toy with the idea of New York again yesterday, as well as actively pursue a more serious commitment with my long-standing fling, San Francisco. And then this morning just said, "F*ck it. Let's see what the WORLD has to offer!" So off I went to jolly old England, where I found a casting for the greatest role of all: Wifey. It's mighty tempting, given that I possess the necessary skill set AND sexual "fluency" (not even a requirement!).

Here is the post in case anyone wants to beat me to it. My comments are italicized.

****************************
Wife (UK)

London based entrepreneur, 41 is seeking a person of graduate calibre or above, highly motivated and with a strong desire to be successful in whatever they do, for a challenging position of long term partner/wife.

The successful candidate will have a proven track record of handling a wide variety of situations and challenges, good organisational skills, common sense and personal initiative while being able to teamwork. Excellent personal manner, creativity and artistic approach are important and for the right person the job will be a varied, exciting and challenging position.

(Okay, admit it. You copy and pasted that from every job posted on Craigslist. That paragraph is in every job I've applied for. All that's missing is the mention of a 401k and paid vaycays. Seriously. If you want me to bring my A-game to your home environment, you best be ready to hook it up with a timeshare in Seychelles.)

Operating from the stylish premises in North London in a fun and supportive atmosphere, you'll deal with high-priority tasks and use proactive methods in managing overall workload. Specific duties include, but not limited to:

• Child bearing and upbringing (I've always referred to my extensive nanny work as MILF training. Bring it.)
• Creating and maintaining positive atmosphere in the immediate environment (I get enthusiastic about my smoggy, trafficky neighborhood in LA. Staying positive in tony North London would be cake.)
• Coordinating meeting food/catering requests (I don't even have to cook? That's more chillaxed than I thought. Do they have good reality shows to watch while I call the caterer and do my nails?
• Anticipating and planing for upcoming needs (I don't meditate everyday for nothing. Learning how to intuit my man's needs is half the reason I do it. For the right man, I'll bump that number up to sixty percent.)
• Maintaining stylish looks of herself and the immediate surroundings (I live in LA. You don't get to live here if you're not at least somewhat vain and concerned with appearances. Done and done.

No ironing skills are required for this position. (I was gonna ask for a referral from the caterer for that kind of thing anyway.)

The compensation is negotiable. This is a permanent position following a period of probation. (Yes, a good wifey does need a substantial allowance. But the permanent part might have to be negotiable.)

You'd need

• To be well-spoken, charming and outgoing (I'm nothing if not svelte, witty arm candy.)
• Have interest in arts, sport and literature (Check. Sports, I'll sign off on, since calling soccer "football" just sounds so adorable.)
• Be smart in appearance (My glasses definitely make me appear smart.)
• Be between 25 and 35 years of age (Yes.)

Sexual fluency is a plus but not crucial as training will be provided. (No training required. I'm a steal!)

Please apply via email enclosing covering letter explaining why you think you are the right candidate. Please enclose full CV, some photographs and brief description of your expectations from this position.

****************************

Wish me luck, guys. "Mail order bride" isn't actually on my "CV", but I think if I just send over a link to this post, this accomplished and established gentleman will see that I'm just perfect for him.